I never thought I could love a material object this much, but I did.
"Well?" My mother prompting me out of my fantasy. "well what?" I ask. "What are we going to do about your cutting issue." she almost spat the word "cutting" out, she had a habit of that, putting so much emphasis on a word she spat it. It really got quite gross after awhile. "Chris!" She shouted a little, another one of her bad habits. "What?" I answered distantly. "You haven't answered the question! What do I have to do to get through to you?" She was angry now almost screaming, if my mother was anything it was well tempered so I could tell she was getting upset.
But all I could think was "God that was a cliche." "What do I have to do to get through to you?" Really mom? But honestly I wasn't surprised. My life had steadily filled with more and more cliches. It started to resemble the life of a bad sitcom character. Well a really twisted sitcom character who enjoyed "putting holes in there body" that line was my moms favorite recently. Can you really blame her? It's a good line! I would use that on my fucked up Fifteen year old son if I had one too.
Looking up I noticed she was staring at me waiting for a answer, "Uhm well..." I muttered. "Uhm well what? You can't possible shrug this one off!" she spat the word "off". This conversation was growing more irritating by the second. "Is it really a problem mom? I mean really this is the first time!" I said a lie. but I added "You caught me" in my head, just to make it feel more truthful.
I am a very vocal thinker. I have whole conversations with myself and characters I make up in my head, or that get made up all on there own. Sure to you that may make me crazy, but really crazy is a state of mind that I do not associate with. I really probably should. But: Voice's, Cutting, Burning and Starving, just seem "normal" to me. Who did any of that hurt but me? I mean why did she have to involve herself in my little routine?
She was spitting again, I probably should be trying to pay attention. I caught maybe four words before she glared at me and said "Christopher Andrew Gale Edwards! Are you listening?" I did have four names. A tad embarrassing during role call. But my parents had been young and a little doped up so what would you expect? at least it wasn't one of those hippie names like "Rowen dawn rainbow" or something I admit that would be way worse. "Well?" She asked impatiently. I nodded. She continued, "I think any thing where you put holes in your own body is a issue! Don't you think Christopher?" there it is again "put holes in your body" she had to stop with that line. "I was just trying it! Cameron said it helped him after breakups!" I said.
I barely talked to any of the Cameron's I knew in real life, so whichever Cameron she picked wouldn't be a big impact on my life. "OH!CAMERON WHAT CAMERON? RIVERO?" I watched the spit fly for lips and felt disgust. I think generally that's a bad thing, not just being disgusted by your own mother but feeling it. "Yes. I haven't talked to him since. I wont do it again I promise." Another blatant lie.
"Well?" My mother prompting me out of my fantasy. "well what?" I ask. "What are we going to do about your cutting issue." she almost spat the word "cutting" out, she had a habit of that, putting so much emphasis on a word she spat it. It really got quite gross after awhile. "Chris!" She shouted a little, another one of her bad habits. "What?" I answered distantly. "You haven't answered the question! What do I have to do to get through to you?" She was angry now almost screaming, if my mother was anything it was well tempered so I could tell she was getting upset.
But all I could think was "God that was a cliche." "What do I have to do to get through to you?" Really mom? But honestly I wasn't surprised. My life had steadily filled with more and more cliches. It started to resemble the life of a bad sitcom character. Well a really twisted sitcom character who enjoyed "putting holes in there body" that line was my moms favorite recently. Can you really blame her? It's a good line! I would use that on my fucked up Fifteen year old son if I had one too.
Looking up I noticed she was staring at me waiting for a answer, "Uhm well..." I muttered. "Uhm well what? You can't possible shrug this one off!" she spat the word "off". This conversation was growing more irritating by the second. "Is it really a problem mom? I mean really this is the first time!" I said a lie. but I added "You caught me" in my head, just to make it feel more truthful.
I am a very vocal thinker. I have whole conversations with myself and characters I make up in my head, or that get made up all on there own. Sure to you that may make me crazy, but really crazy is a state of mind that I do not associate with. I really probably should. But: Voice's, Cutting, Burning and Starving, just seem "normal" to me. Who did any of that hurt but me? I mean why did she have to involve herself in my little routine?
She was spitting again, I probably should be trying to pay attention. I caught maybe four words before she glared at me and said "Christopher Andrew Gale Edwards! Are you listening?" I did have four names. A tad embarrassing during role call. But my parents had been young and a little doped up so what would you expect? at least it wasn't one of those hippie names like "Rowen dawn rainbow" or something I admit that would be way worse. "Well?" She asked impatiently. I nodded. She continued, "I think any thing where you put holes in your own body is a issue! Don't you think Christopher?" there it is again "put holes in your body" she had to stop with that line. "I was just trying it! Cameron said it helped him after breakups!" I said.
I barely talked to any of the Cameron's I knew in real life, so whichever Cameron she picked wouldn't be a big impact on my life. "OH!CAMERON WHAT CAMERON? RIVERO?" I watched the spit fly for lips and felt disgust. I think generally that's a bad thing, not just being disgusted by your own mother but feeling it. "Yes. I haven't talked to him since. I wont do it again I promise." Another blatant lie.
You know they say that if you tell yourself something six, or was it seven? I don't remember, but you can lie to yourself. I have been lying to myself for a long time, when you believe something you aren't really "lying", but I couldn't even try to believe that one, it was way too out in left field. But somehow she did, not really a huge relief but I could get back to my life now.
I started to walk away, She shouted after me "One more slip up and it's therapy!" HA! Therapy! Something I probably should have been in since the age of six! Why six you may ask? Well that was the first time I heard "Cameron" And "Crystal" This was the the actually Cameron who told me self harm would help. But I'm not complaining. Cameron Rivero was a douche bag jock. No need to involve myself with him. But back to Cameron and Crystal. They're the strongest characters or voices or whatever you would like to call them, in my head.
You would assume something like good cop/bad cop right? Nope, they are both equally fucked or I guess I was just fucked enough at the age of six to make them up. I never had a "imaginary friend" I had voices in my head! One is much more exciting and seems a whole lot more "real"
So at the age of six Cameron was the ring leader of my life. The first words he said to me were "wouldn't it be more fun to light that stick on fire, before you hit things with it?" Now first thing that comes to mind is I am a schitzo pyro right? or am homicidal because at the age of six I liked hitting things with sticks? But I'm not and if you thought the second one, you obviously have never been a six year old boy.
Crystal didn't talk to me much, she was quiet. Because of her silence she quickly became my favorite out of the two. Cameron would always get me in trouble, Crystal was there to get me out. She was the "sane" on of the two. Up until I turned around thirteen, she started to "pick" on me I guess you could say. "No girl would ever want you!" "Boys?! You faggot you're just upset you can't get girls cause you're ugly as fuck!" "You can't like both! Only freaks like both" It turns out Crystal my most beloved friend was a homophobe not good for the sexual development of a thirteen year old to hear that in your head ever waking second.
Coupled with the fact that I didn't care about sexes I liked people for people this left me confused and vulnerably to her criticisms. I was to "fat" My hair was "wrong" I was "ugly" I began to hate starve myself to get thin. But that wasn't enough for Crystal, I started purging Just like crystal taught me.
All this time new voices were starting. Coupled with Cameron's aggressive, angry out look on everything and Crystal's negative prodding my life became consumed. by the age of thirteen I barely ate anything and weighed around 94 pounds, I was a tall kid 5'10. at the age of thirteen that was considered by my parents friends to be almost "super human" but every time I grew a quarter of a inch I cried. More height meant more weight for Crystal to be upset with. Yes I stressed and still stress over upsetting Crystal and Cameron. I am attached! Can you blame me? No friends in school. A crush who will never notice me. I only had Crystal and Cameron. I didn't think anything of their negativity, all friends did that right? Constructive criticisms and all that.
But by new years of my thirteenth year a new ring leader had taken control of my mind. His name was "Mathew" Not Matt "Mathew". now Mathew was a bit of a "ladies man" And he was determined to get "Lucy butler" My crush since kindergarten to notice me. I thought it was an awful idea. Why would she ever notice me? Let alone like me! I didn't quite trust Mathew yet. He wasn't as familiar as Crystal and Cameron. Why should I trust him? Well Crystal said he was right. That was enough for me.
I changed my everything just to get Lucy to notice me. dyed my hair black because I heard a rumor that she didn't like blonde's. Changed all my clothes black and wore eyeliner. Mathew was fitting me square into what the other kids called "Emo" I didn't know what "Emo" was or even meant, I just knew I got made fun of for it.
I was always quiet and kept to myself, so I never had issue with bullies. Until now. Mathew had thrown me into that. And I resented him for it, but Crystal reassured me that Mathew was right and that I was closer to getting Lucy then ever. I would honestly say I loved Crystal to spite her harsh words, she was like a real mother to me. Not a spitting dysfunctional one, but a real one. And for that reason I kept down my path.
By this point I had actually started to be noticed by a girl who went by "Violet" I really doubt that was her real name, but she swears by it. Violet quickly became my "best friend". As my first friend not in my head I wasn't sure how to act. Naturally I kept everything about Crystal, Mathew, and Cameron bottled up tight. "Not a word to anyone" Crystal had told me. I didn't fail that request like I failed most of her others. By now me and Violet were dating without me even realizing it until about six months ago, Mathew was slick like that.
bolstered by Crystal and Mathew encouragement I went with it. Quickly becoming the "model" Boyfriend. Every word was coached relentlessly, until I could smooth talk my way out of anything.
I started to walk away, She shouted after me "One more slip up and it's therapy!" HA! Therapy! Something I probably should have been in since the age of six! Why six you may ask? Well that was the first time I heard "Cameron" And "Crystal" This was the the actually Cameron who told me self harm would help. But I'm not complaining. Cameron Rivero was a douche bag jock. No need to involve myself with him. But back to Cameron and Crystal. They're the strongest characters or voices or whatever you would like to call them, in my head.
You would assume something like good cop/bad cop right? Nope, they are both equally fucked or I guess I was just fucked enough at the age of six to make them up. I never had a "imaginary friend" I had voices in my head! One is much more exciting and seems a whole lot more "real"
So at the age of six Cameron was the ring leader of my life. The first words he said to me were "wouldn't it be more fun to light that stick on fire, before you hit things with it?" Now first thing that comes to mind is I am a schitzo pyro right? or am homicidal because at the age of six I liked hitting things with sticks? But I'm not and if you thought the second one, you obviously have never been a six year old boy.
Crystal didn't talk to me much, she was quiet. Because of her silence she quickly became my favorite out of the two. Cameron would always get me in trouble, Crystal was there to get me out. She was the "sane" on of the two. Up until I turned around thirteen, she started to "pick" on me I guess you could say. "No girl would ever want you!" "Boys?! You faggot you're just upset you can't get girls cause you're ugly as fuck!" "You can't like both! Only freaks like both" It turns out Crystal my most beloved friend was a homophobe not good for the sexual development of a thirteen year old to hear that in your head ever waking second.
Coupled with the fact that I didn't care about sexes I liked people for people this left me confused and vulnerably to her criticisms. I was to "fat" My hair was "wrong" I was "ugly" I began to hate starve myself to get thin. But that wasn't enough for Crystal, I started purging Just like crystal taught me.
All this time new voices were starting. Coupled with Cameron's aggressive, angry out look on everything and Crystal's negative prodding my life became consumed. by the age of thirteen I barely ate anything and weighed around 94 pounds, I was a tall kid 5'10. at the age of thirteen that was considered by my parents friends to be almost "super human" but every time I grew a quarter of a inch I cried. More height meant more weight for Crystal to be upset with. Yes I stressed and still stress over upsetting Crystal and Cameron. I am attached! Can you blame me? No friends in school. A crush who will never notice me. I only had Crystal and Cameron. I didn't think anything of their negativity, all friends did that right? Constructive criticisms and all that.
But by new years of my thirteenth year a new ring leader had taken control of my mind. His name was "Mathew" Not Matt "Mathew". now Mathew was a bit of a "ladies man" And he was determined to get "Lucy butler" My crush since kindergarten to notice me. I thought it was an awful idea. Why would she ever notice me? Let alone like me! I didn't quite trust Mathew yet. He wasn't as familiar as Crystal and Cameron. Why should I trust him? Well Crystal said he was right. That was enough for me.
I changed my everything just to get Lucy to notice me. dyed my hair black because I heard a rumor that she didn't like blonde's. Changed all my clothes black and wore eyeliner. Mathew was fitting me square into what the other kids called "Emo" I didn't know what "Emo" was or even meant, I just knew I got made fun of for it.
I was always quiet and kept to myself, so I never had issue with bullies. Until now. Mathew had thrown me into that. And I resented him for it, but Crystal reassured me that Mathew was right and that I was closer to getting Lucy then ever. I would honestly say I loved Crystal to spite her harsh words, she was like a real mother to me. Not a spitting dysfunctional one, but a real one. And for that reason I kept down my path.
By this point I had actually started to be noticed by a girl who went by "Violet" I really doubt that was her real name, but she swears by it. Violet quickly became my "best friend". As my first friend not in my head I wasn't sure how to act. Naturally I kept everything about Crystal, Mathew, and Cameron bottled up tight. "Not a word to anyone" Crystal had told me. I didn't fail that request like I failed most of her others. By now me and Violet were dating without me even realizing it until about six months ago, Mathew was slick like that.
bolstered by Crystal and Mathew encouragement I went with it. Quickly becoming the "model" Boyfriend. Every word was coached relentlessly, until I could smooth talk my way out of anything.
